Warning: Melancholy ahead
You are Exactly Where You are Supposed to Be
There is a moment when this turn of phrase transforms from affirmation to accusation. I discovered it in a state of contentedness. I was at one with the freedom that my future offered. I was pleased with my steadfastness in refusing the conformities of contemporary culture that my peers had so easily fallen prey to.
And then, this evening, when in a fit of self doubt and frustration I came upon it again, it read like a punishment.
No longer did I feel that I was OK in my state of flux. No longer was my plan of aimless wandering acceptable. No longer was I qualified or pleasant or helpful or sane. All at once I understood that my uniquely temporary misery was acute and, worst of all, self inflicted.
The terrible moment when you realize it's all your fault.
It's a double edged samurai sword. I'm critical and hyper aware, which makes me a great problem solver and potentially a valuable detective. But it also tunes me in to emotions, thoughts, and experiences which I don't need to know. And when I do know them I get weighed down with the judgement and criticism. And then I become judgemental and critical. And then I just hate myself more.
I'm not sure what I want to share here. I suppose that this is me admitting that I don't have much of anything figured out. And while it's great to share my life affirming moments with this increasingly diversifying readership, I think it would be a disservice to you and to me if I didn't share the depths of my doubt as well.
Some days I just don't know what I'm doing at all. And I don't know why I'm so unhappy or miserable or unbearable. I don't know how to be happy. And I guess I'm just crossing my fingers and wishing on stars and rubbing rabbits' feet that that's ok. Because I have to admit, I really do want to be happy. Even though I don't seem to be very good at it.
I'm looking for answers, so if anyone has figured it our feel free to share. Compensation available.
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