Dear Adults...shut the fuck up

1. For all intensive purposes it's still Wednesday. Don't Shoot.

2. The two pronged reason that a reminder didn't grace your inbox upon waking this morning (still not getting those? Just drop your e-mail in the "I'm Kind of a Can't Miss" box to the right) is that I started studying for the GREs last night and then proceeded to have what I can only assume was a casual panic attack about the impending mediocrity of my life.

3. The fact that I felt as if I was swimming in Jello comprised of my failures and wasted potential is of little to no consequence to y'all, and by y'all I mean the full time employed.

I'm taking the liberty to offer this rant to the gods of employment and misery (who I assume are at least twins if not the same person) on behalf of all those out there who are looking for a job, working at a dead end job, unhappy with the direction of their professional life or who are cleverly staving off these inevitable options by continuing their education. If you don't agree, I don't really care, and here's a secret for you: those gods don't really exist...


Dear Advice Offering, Know it Alls of the realm of full time employment,

Shut the fuck up. I know with certainty that your life is not perfect. That you have not figured it all out. That with the slightest examination you could honestly say you have no regrets or doubts about the way your life has unfolded. If you say I'm wrong I say take a lie detector test and talk to me then.

And I know that pretending like you have all the answers to the defenseless hoards of recent grads is comforting and reassuring to you, but it's also rude. And pretentious. And often hurtful. Please, point to the moment when you figured your whole life out and got all the answers straight?
What's that?
You're still not at that point?
Then as good as your intentions are do me a favor and share your benevolent wisdom with a sea tortoise because I really don't want to waste any more of my precious time listening to all the things I'm doing wrong and have done wrong and should do differently.

I cite my older and wiser sister's insight to point out that when your fellow adults fall on times of unemployment you avoid that topic like the plague. And it's not because your wisdom is any less useful to the previously gainfully employed, it's because it's rude. So why, seriously, someone explain to me, why it suddenly becomes socially acceptable to Salem-Witch-Trial the class of 2013 (and 2012 and 2011 and 2014) on all their admittedly uninformed thoughts and plans and aspirations? Who decided that was OK?

I concede that these unintentionally malicious figures may have something valuable to offer, some shred of experience or wisdom that while it may not offer employment may at least offer comfort in whatever stage you are at now. But I cannot pretend that this possibility is worth being accused by friends and strangers alike as lazy or unintelligent or unskilled or whatever their diagnosis of my unemployment is.

Let's put it this way: your advice hasn't gotten me hired yet, and unless you're the real Salem witch I don't see that changing. And I'm not even looking for a career path job! And yet your narrow minded inability to listen to or value anything that comes out of my mouth stops you from understanding my plan and permits you to correct it. That's so funny, I don't remember handing you a red pen.

So save the criticism for someone who's listening. I'm off seeking advice from people whom I actually respect. Like my friends Mr. Merlot and Ms. Malbec.

With Thoughts of Avoxes Dancing Through My Head,
The Modernist